Episosde 210 - A Fire, COVID, and Grief

I have been away for a long time. My home caught on fire in February 2020 and before moving back into my home in November 2020 I moved a total of 4 times. I caught COVID in February 2021 which caused me to be in the hospital for almost 3 weeks.

Needless to say, it has been a rough year.

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 Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)

Episode 208 - Speaking Grief... A Conversation With Lindsey Whissel Fenton

Have you ever had an issue expressing how you navigate through the grieving process? If so, I had a conversation with a film maker who has a project that is a must see for grievers as well as those who are supporting grievers.

Lindsey Whissel Fenton

Lindsey Whissel Fenton

Lindsey Whissel Fenton is an Emmy award-winning storyteller who is passionate about using public media to build empathy. She is currently a senior producer at WPSU where, most recently, she developed, produced, directed, and wrote Speaking Grief,  a multi-platform initiative aimed at helping create a more grief-aware society.

In 2017, Lindsey co-produced and directed A Time to Heal, a public media documentary that explores the impact of the Vietnam War on the lives of those who fought, protested, or prayed for their loved ones to come home alive. You Can’t Say That, which she produced, was among eight U.S. programs selected to screen at the 2013 International Public Television Screening Conference (INPUT) conference in El Salvador; it was also honored with a Mid Atlantic Emmy Award. Some of her other projects include  Pennsylvania Folklore: Woven Together and World on Trial: The French Headscarf Law. Fenton also serves as a host for the WPSU-FM series Take Note. 

She earned her bachelor’s degree in Cinema and Digital Arts from Point Park University and her master’s degree in Learning, Design, and Technology from Penn State. In 2012, she was one of four professionals selected by Rotary International District 7350 to serve as an ambassador for its Group Study Exchange to Ukraine.

Fenton practices Shotokan karate and holds the rank of Nidan (second degree black belt). She also recently discovered a passion for rock climbing. A native of Buffalo, NY, Lindsey currently resides in Central Pennsylvania with her husband. She is the proud dog-mom to Birch, a 7(ish)-year-old Maltese who was rescued from a puppy mill.

Find out more about Speaking Grief here: https://speakinggrief.org/
Information about the Brave of Heart Fund: https://www.braveofheartfund.com/

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Episode 207 - The Continuing Education Credits of Grief

A few days prior to the recording of this episode, I had an aunt that died. The people that were my village in the wake of my father's death are leaving the planet at a very rapid pace.

But when I think about the career fields that many of us choose, I think about lawyers, doctors, IT professionals, etc, who despite "knowing enough" to do their job must continually receive continuing education credits to learn more about the updates in their given professions to not only remain legally certified in their field, but to also provide the best service to their clients.

In grief, as we learn more about ourselves after the loss of a loved one,we must continue to be willing to learn more about ourselves after losing additional loved ones. We must continually lean on ourselves for the encouragement and support that we were usded to receiving from others.

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Episode 206 - In Grief, I still Struggle With Some Things

A listener asks if I still styruggle with someThe short anse things since it seems like I have come up with coping skills for a lot of things.

The short answer is yes... I struggle with some things. However, there are some things that don't bother me so much.

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Episode 205 - Grief and the Apology Letter

I received letter a few months ago from the person convicted of killing my father. This letter had been written in 2008 and had never been claimed by my mother.

I'm not sure if she was truly aware that this letter had been written, or if she simply chose not to receive it.

In any case, it weas not what I expected .

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Episode 204 - In Grief, Forever is Not Always Forever

A few months ago, I received notification that the person convicted of killing my father will be eligible for a parole hearing in April 2023... that is less than 3 years away. Even still, while the hearing is in less than three years, he still has another mandatory 8 years let's be fty to server.

When I was a kid, 50 years seemed forever... now its right around the corner. I know have to ask myself how I feel about that.

Do I consider what my mom would do or think about this, do I lean on religious beliefs or do what I think is right by me? Do I even know what I think is right?

I have many questions and no answers, but I have time to think about it.

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Episode 203 - We Are Not Always Together In Grief

Sometimes grief comes between us.

we plan for many things, but grief is not one of them. As we be go through life, planning for what we think is going to be the future, grief has a way of derailing those plans, So much so that it may begin to eat away at the fabric of our relationships.

As we begin to process our grief, how quickly we move through has a serious impact on what people think about us and how they act towards us. The key thing to remember is that we all process differently... and that must be respected.

Please use the following link to shop via amazon.com: https://amzn.to/2Uw3dKO

Note: I am looking to interview individuals who are victims of violent crime and have received apology letters from the offender. If that is you or someon you know, reach out to me by any of the methods below.

Thanks!

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Episode 202 - Riots, Understanding and Grief

On May 25, 2020 George Floyd lost his life to the hands of the Minneapolis, Minnesota police when a police office knelt on his neck until he was dead. This is just the latest example an unarmed African American man whose life has senselessly been taken by those who have sworn to protect and serve us.

In the wake of this tragedy, there have been protests and riots all across the country.

In the midst of it all there are many people who do understand what many African Americans go through on a daily basis.

Just like grief you'll never truly understand until it happens to you.

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Episode 201 - The Evolution Of Grief

Why did my mother give me my name.... Darwyn?

Last week I talked about change... change while going through the changes that grief brings.

This week is about the evolution of grief... how my grief has evolved and how I have evolved (or maybe not) around it.

I used to be angry, lost, confused in the immediate days and years following my dad's death.

Somehow, somewhere I found the act of forgiveness which allowed me to release the anger and begin to have some sort of inner peace. I used to believe that some people are crazy or are monsters and just want to hurt people.

I believe now that there is a reason why most people do what they do, even the bad things and we don't want to take the time figure out or to understand why.

I've changed my thoughts on knowing why my father was killed.
I now have this burning sensation to sit down with one or more of the people who committed this murder and simply ask, "Why?" I know I'll never get ananswer that justifies the reason.

While I have evolved in some respects, in others I have not. I still ignore the signs that people give right before they die.

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Episode 200 - Even in Grief, Change Changes

Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher said, “Change is the only constant in life.”

As I publish this episode I realize that not only is change constant, but I have no control over how or even when it affects me. Change for as much as it can be welcomed and good when we know that something good is coming can be so dreadful when the unexpected bad thing s happen.

Even when we know that bad things are going to occur I sometime ignore the signs talking myself out of how much I will be impacted by the change the is coming.

While I don't like it most times... I have to learn to embrace change regardless when it happens... good or bad.

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Episode 199 - COVID-19 And Grief Are More Related Than I Realized

As I sit working from home amid the COVID-19 pandemic I have realized that the link between this virus and grief is more that just the deaths caused by the virus.

With all the talk about the number of cases and death expected to rise, speculation about a possible vaccine years ahead of the normal timeline for vaccine development and the politicizing of the virus by both parties here in the U.S., Just like I have often done in grief, I just want to isolate myself (even more than I've been forced to) from it all!

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Episode 198 - When Does Healing Start in Grief

As this podcast episode is being released on the anniversary of my father's death, I find myself being consumed by a different question than usual.

When did I start my healing process?

The answer... when the bleeding stopped!

When I physically fall, sometimes bhe bleeding doesn't happen immediately. The blood and pain take a minute to be registered by my brain and they suually hit at the same time. At that point there is no denying what has happened. For that brief second while you are waiting for the blood to appear you wonder if there will be any blood and if so, how bad will it be.

In grief when my father died and my mother and I walked into that store, I was in disbelief of what I saw. I couldn't beleive it was happening to me... itr took his funeral for it to really start to sink in that this was happening.

But what about the healing... when and how does that happen?

I had to realize that I could live on without my father. That is when the bleeding stopped. Once the bleeding stops only then can healing truly begin.

But healing to is painful. I recently fell and scraped up my elbo pretty bad. while the scrpar marks have scarred over every time I bump my arm against something or ove it the wrong way, it hurts... it's a painful reminder that something has happened to me.

That just means it may take just a little longer to heal... It also mean I may have a scar for a while.

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Episode 197 - Fire, A Virus and Grief... Oh, My!

February 25 is a day my life change... yet again!

On  this day my home caught fire in my living room and dining room. What the fire didn't destroy smoke and water damage did.

After spending a month in a hotel, my family is now renting a house while out home is being repaired. They say it'll be 6-8 months to complete... did I mention hotel?

During the month we spent in the hotel, we met many people - some who were staying long term for work and some who had suffered misfortune like my family were there because their homes were being repaired.

After 2 weeks there, the COVID-19 virus began to hit the U.S. hard and we were afraid our hotel would close like many others and we'd be left looking for a place to live. As mentioned earlier, our insurance company came through and found a place to we could live until our home is done.

But the virus... It has left us sheltered in place and I'm fortunate enough that I can work from home. So unlike many millions of people in the states, I am able to continue earning a living wage.

While it is difficult not being around people and seeing the street looking more like a ghost town instead of a thriving metropolis, I have to tell myself that this is only temporary. Eventually we will get back to some sense of normalcy... whatever that happens to be,

How are you coping wit the virus and what do you think "normal" will look like when the pandemic is over?

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Episode 196 - Grief And The Arts... A Conversation with Sarah Illiatovitch-Goldman

There are amazing people using different avenues to express and deal with grief... especially as it relates to children. 

As someone who lost my father when I was a child, I look to spotlight organizations who are helping children deal in some way no matter how big or small with their loss.

Sarah Illiatovitich-Goldman

Sarah Illiatovitich-Goldman

This week I have a conversation with Sarah Illiatovitch-Goldman

Sarah works for the Auditorium Theatre in Chicago where she is is the Director of Hearts to Art Summer Camp - a performing arts program for young people 7-14 who have experienced the death of a parent. As an educator, Sarah has taught everywhere from Universities to Summer Camps, to Prisons to High Schools and beyond. She is a trauma informed practice provider and brings the philosophy of that practice to all of her work. Sarah is an internationally recognized playwright who has worked with some of the best theatre companies in Chicago including working on three plays by Pulitzer and Tony Award winning playwright, Tracy Letts. Though she is from Toronto, Ontario - Sarah lives in Chicago with her husband, her three daughters and her fiercely frustrated feline, Mortimer.

Contact Sarah and Hearts to Art:

Website: www.HeartstoArt.org 

Facebook: www.facebook.com/HeartstoArt

Contact: 312-341-2353, education@auditoriumtheatre.org 

Get more information about the National Alliance for Grieving Children here: https://childrengrieve.org/

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Episode 195 - I Will Help You Help Me In Grief

People don't give us what we expect in grief because they don't know what we need... and often cases we don't tell them.

Before we pass judgement on those around us, let us first take a step back and process what is going on around us and try to figure out exactly what's behind a persons actions and what we can do to help them hep us.

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Episode 194 - In Grief, Grief May Not Be Immediate

Sometimes we can't give grief the attention it deserves either because the magnitude of grief hasn't hit yet, or because there are other pressing needs that need our attention.

When my father died. my mother's main focus as making sure our basic needs were met. There was no time to sit and reflect on the journey she would have to take in providing for a household as a single parent.

conversely, it didn't hit me for 4 years that I would have go through certain aspects of life without my dad around. At 10 years old I only lived for the moment - school, chores and play. That was essentially my life. Even after my dad died, I lived for the moment. I never thought about the future... not until it hit me square in the face when I was 14.

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Episode 193 - Grief, A Rolex And A Perpetual Connection

I last saw my uncle in June of 2016. At the time he told me he had something for me but he had decided he'd wait and give it to me later. As it turned out, later would never come because he died 3 weeks later.

hristmas of 2016 on a visit back to S. Louis, my aunt and cousin presented me with the item my uncle bequeathed to me... a Rolex DateJust watch. I was thrilled and nervous at the same time. I had never owned anything that expensive that I couldn't drive and I was afraid that somehow I would mess it up, maybe break it.

Over the last year, that watch has become a way to establish a connection with my uncle. I think aabout how hard he worked and the many successes in life he had: he owned race horses and ran a successful daycare business. He was also there for my mother and me when we needed something like my school clothes or getting our car fix - anything that we needed in the moment. This watch reminds me of the essence of who he was and of who I can be.

I would like to someday buy a Rolex of my own in celebration of how far I have come on my grief journey and to pass my uncle's watch to my son before I die. My uncle was the closest thing to a grandfather that my son ever had and I want him to experience this wonderful feeling of wearing something so grand in remembrance of my uncle... our uncle.

Looking at the Rolex website (rolex.com) I found that many of the stories of prominent Rolex owners have purchased/received their watches after persevering in whatever profession they have to be the best at what they do. This watch helps me channel the same spirit from my uncle.

One of the Rolex tag lines is "The world of Rolex is filled with stories of perpetual excellence." Mine is filled with the perpetual excellence of my hardworking uncle and the perpetual connection this watch gives me to him.

Here is a picture of the watch: https://dealingwithmygrief.com/podcast/episode-193

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Rolex DateJust.JPG

Episode 192 - The Chameleon of Grief

When my dad died, I was just a child t a new school trying to fit in... trying to be accepted by those who had barely known me for 5 months. And suddenly after his death I wanted to fit in even more so. I didn't want to bee seen as different.

Even in high school, college, and the military I would hide that part of me that me me "different." I would become a chameleon and simply hide in plain sight. I would in some aspect become part of my environment and surroundings. I'd become just another face in the crowd.

I had been hiding in plain sight until 4 years ago - that's when the Dealing With My Grief podcast was born. It started as a place for me to verbalized things I didn't feel that I could earlier in my life. I know had a space to analyze what I might tell my younger self as I went through specific experiences and emotions and what I might do differently.

It has evolved into a space where others can share their stories and together we can realize we are not alone.

This podcast is officially 4 years old. I thank you for sharing in this journey with me.

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Episode 191 - The Bandage of Grief

In October of 2011 I contracted a flesh eating bacteria while watching my son play baseball. Some believe I was bitten by a spider - probably a brown recluse. 

To remove the dead tissue and ger ahead of the virus I underwent 4 surgeries over a 10 day period to make sure all infected tissue had been removed and that the virus/bacteria had been completely removed. But part of this process involved packing the wound after each surgery with a material that would head drain and keep the wound clean. It would then be taped to my leg until the next dressing change. 

Changing the dressing was a challenge because the nurses would slowly rip the tape from my leg. which was still painful, but they would pull just a little and stop so it wouldn't hurt as bad then d a little more, then stop, followed by a little more. Eventually after 10-15 minutes, we would be through. After the tird surgery, I'd had enough. I just told them to rip the tape off all at once. I'd rather hurt once and get it over with than suffer for 15 minutes a little at a time.

This is exactly  haw I've fels since my mom died. I've been doing a little at a time, especially with her belongings. Doing just enough until the pain was overwhelming. But now it;s done. But what would I have felt if I had done it all at once?

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Episode 189 - Christmas, Cream of Wheat, and Grief

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I am focusing on making new traditions... or at least getting back to old ones this year. The last month and a half have been emotionally draining, mainly dealing with cleaning out my mom's house. Now that it's over, mentally I feel like I'm recovering at a decent pace.

I've been able to start enjoying things I used to do with mom... like eating Cream of Wheat again which is something she made on Saturday mornings.

I know Christmas is a hard time of year for some, but I'm happy my family will be receiving wine from me again after a two year hiatus. I'm grateful I can find joy during this holiday season.

Merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) - I hope you are able to find some happiness and joy, no matter how small it mat be during theis holiday season

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